The Premier Episode of "Coworkers Gone Dumb"

Today is crazily ordinary so far. Of course, it's only 8:30, so much remains to be seen, but I have a feeling that I am in store for a quiet day. I feel very productive, however. (Hence the bouncy Fëanor for mood. This is how he might have felt while first pondering the Silmarils.)

I forgot to mention that I have another movie review. Bobby and I rented The Hillside Strangler on Friday night, since our plans were cut short due to our fellow nerds having an out-of-town guest. Bobby and I share the guilty pleasure of scary movies, but this wasn't your typical jump-out-and-go-boo horror fare. It was shown at several prestigious film festivals--another type of movie that we tend to prefer--so it wasn't likely to include a gaggle of teenagers being chased through the woods by mutants or anything like that.

Because it is based on a true story, and I think we all know what happened, I don't think that I need to indicate that my review contains spoilers. But if you don't want to know the premise of the movie, skip ahead a few paragraphs.

All in all, it was an awful movie. By this, I don't mean that it was boring or rote or any of the normal things about which I complain. In fact, in this case, the fact that it as awful is not even a complaint. It is not pleasant material and the fact that it is a true-crime tale makes it even worse. It is a portrait of humanity at its worst and one of the best case study examples of Antisocial Personality Disorder (more commonly known as psychopathy) that I've ever seen. Reading up on the case on the Crime Library, the movie stays remarkably true to the actual events--a rarity, I find in BOATS (Based On A True Story) movies, where the temptation to sensationalize is always there--in fact, the movie avoids two of the worst murders entirely, those of two young girls, aged 12 and 14, and instead focuses on the kidnapping and brutalization of the older women, many of whom were prostitutes.

As way of a quick overview, Kenneth Bianchi was a pathological liar who found himself on hard times due to being found out in his lies. He was of average intelligence and described as being excessively neat and proper. His first love was for police work (ironically), but he never made it into the local police department. His mother recommended that he start anew in California, with his cousin Angelo Buono. (Bianchi was adopted, by the way, which explains why the cousins look nothing alike.) Buono was in many ways the opposite of Bianchi: unattractive, sadistic, and given to serving his whims and pleasures no matter what the cost to others. Young girls, however, were highly attracted to him, and he had many failed marriages, a formidable brood of children, and even more girlfriends. He got Bianchi involved in drugs and prostitution to the extent that the two kidnapped and forced two girls into prostitution. The first murder came about as the result of a list of johns that got the pair into some trouble: Their first victim was a prostitute who had helped procure the list.

With my background in psychology, the portraits painted of the killers is a fascinating example of how Antisocial Personality Disorder manifests. Those with ASP are often charming and charismatic--evidenced by Bianchi and Buono in different ways--and are exceedingly calm under duress. One of the best examples of this involves a time when police came to Bianchi's apartment to question him about the Hillside Strangler murders. Completely calm, Bianchi let them into his home and was the picture of cooperation. Buono's magnetism with women is a different example of how this manifests.

It is not a pleasant movie to watch because it is quite brutal and also nearly completely truthful. Nonetheless, I applaud the writers for how they handled the complex psychology of the killers and also for the degree to which they stuck to the truth of the tale rather than embellishing for a more "Hollywood" horror movie. Also, I give them props for their discretion in eliminating the murder of the two young girls from the film. Although this is what really happened, it is commendable that such discretion was observed in an industry that thrives on always topping the last shocking trick with one worse, to avoid what would have been sensitive and gratuitous material (and also wholly unnecessary, given the point of the movie).

So my rating? Three-and-a-half E.L. Fudge "Elves Exist!" cookies out of four, for compelling psychology and a truly scary tale.

I think that might finally take care of all the unfinished weekend business I have been forgetting. True to predictions, today has been slow so far. I haven't gotten a whole lot done because my boss decided he wanted to come in and chat while I was working on my review above, but hey, a little actual human interaction never killed anyone. I also encountered a few good Dumb Coworker tales. Like the insanely popular "Girls Gone Wild" series, Dawn Felagund now introduces "Coworkers Gone Dumb." (This would have been a lot more prevalent in my Friendly's days, but I'm sure it'll be updated often here at the WAU too.)

Coworkers Gone Dumb
Episode One
SCENE ONE
Dawn Felagund is sitting at her desk, working on the latest chapter for her uber-long Silmarillion story. Enter Pallando. Dawn Felagund quickly scrolls to the end of her story because she does not like people reading over her shoulder.
Pallando: Hi, Dawn. How ya doing?
Dawn Felagund: Fine, thanks. How are you?
Pallando: (begins fumbling with copier) I'm fine. Got any news?
Dawn Felagund: Nope. Same stuff, different day.
Pallando: Oh, okay. (Pondering copier) Say Dawn, how does this work? Do I just press "Copy?"

SCENE TWO
Pallando has left Dawn Felagund's office. She has resumed working on her uber-long Silmarillion story. Two minutes pass. Enter Pallando (again). Dawn Felagund quickly scrolls to the end of her story (again).
Pallando: So, Dawn, got any news?
Dawn Felagund: Nope. Same stuff, different day.
Pallando: Oh.

SCENE THREE
Pallando has left Dawn Felagund's office (again). She has resumed working on her uber-long Silmarillion story (again). Enter Alatar. Dawn Felagund quickly scrolls to the end of her story. This is becoming tiresome.
Alatar: Hi, Dawn.
Dawn Felagund: Hey, Gary. (Alatar's real name) What's up?
Alatar: (sitting on the table opposite Dawn Felagund's desk) Not much. How are our numbers looking for the month?
Dawn Felagund: (excitedly) Great, actually. We have forty-two arrests so far, with four days left in the month. Our previous arrest record was forty-four, so we're almost sure to beat that, and if we get only two a day for the rest of the month, we'll have fifty. Johnny will have a conniption if we get fifty.
Alatar: Yeah, but we shouldn't do that. Then he'll be expecting us to work that hard every month.

SCENE FOUR
The next day, Dawn Felagund is sitting at her desk, doing some research for a movie review she is writing in her journal. Enter the WAU Policy Instructor, who looks like Dawn Felagund, except the WAU Policy Instructor never writes in her journal or works on uber-long Silmarillion stories during work hours.
WAU Policy Instructor: Before we begin this scene, here is some education for the masses regarding the service of Parole Retake warrants. Parole Retake warrants come with three pages: There is a cover sheet made up by the Central Home Detention Unit with address information and descriptors of the subject; there is the warrant itself, signed by the Parole Commmissioner; and there is a statement of charges, written by the subject's agent, detailing why he or she sought the warrant. The last two pages--the warrant and the statement of charges--are official documents. The coversheet is done as a courtesy by the Central Home Detention Unit. It usually has a lot of errors, and so it is never forwarded beyond WAU personnel. When a person is arrested, the warrant and statement of charges must be left with the correctional institution in order to legally detain the subject.

WAU Policy Instructor exits. Dawn Felagund's phone rings.

Dawn Felagund: Warrant Apprehension Unit, Dawn Felagund, how may I help you?
April from CHDU: Hi, Dawn, it's April from CHDU.
Dawn Felagund: Oh, hi, April from CHDU! What's up?
April from CHDU: Your unit arrested two subjects last night and left them at the Caroline County Detention Center. They left the coversheet and the warrant but forgot the statement of charges.
Dawn Felagund: Oh, no! Do I need to send it?
April from CHDU: No, I already did. Just let them know that they have to leave both the warrant and the statement of charges.
Dawn Felagund: Okay, I'll let Johnny know. Thanks. Bye.

Dawn Felagund hangs up the phone and walks over to Johnny's office. Johnny is playing Pop-Eye slot machines on his computer.

Dawn Felagund: Diane arrested two guys last night and failed to leave the statement of charges at the detention center. I don't think she knows to leave the statement of charges. Whenever she does a transport, she always forgets to give it to me too.
Johnny: Okay, I'll call her and let her know.

Johnny dials the phone and Dawn Felagund goes back to her office, although she strains her ear to listen in. (Dawn Felagund and Diane do not get along.)

Johnny: Yo, Diane! You took two guys to Caroline County last night and forgot to leave the statement of charges. You have to leave the warrant and the statement of charges. (Pause) You say you did? Okay. (Johnny hangs up the phone and comes over to Dawn Felagund's office.) She says she left it.
Dawn Felagund: No, she left the coversheet and the warrant, not the statement of charges. I think she thinks the coversheet is an official document.
Johnny: Oh. (Goes back to office and dials Diane again.) Yo, Diane, you left the coversheet and the warrant. There's three pages. (Johnny proceeds to give the same explanation given by WAU Policy Instructor to an employee who has been working at the WAU for a year now. Pause.) Oh, you did? Okay, bye. (Johnny comes back over to Dawn Felagund's office, looking peeved.) She insists that she left both.
Dawn Felagund: (rolls eyes) Dumb wench. (Johnny laughs.)

End of Episode One

The reason for this episode is that Diane is always doing dumb things. People who read my journal know more about her job than she does. Then she has the nerve to argue with me and try to blame me for things that come about because she was too dumb to know better. She once transported a woman who needed to remain where she was, then had the indignation to attempt to blame me for her mistake, although I have nothing to do with prisoner transports. When I blew up at her, she magically became my best friend. Go figure.

Alatar and Pallando are dumb too but in a mostly harmless way. They have no problem acknowledging that they're dumb. If I tell them that they have to do something some way, they never question it or argue.

Diane did fail to leave the statement of charges. The DC had a copy of the coversheet and the warrant but no statement of charges. I bet when she turns in the file next week, the statement of charges will be right on top, pretty as you please. She just cannot take accountability for her own mistakes, which is also irritating. (I'm surprised she didn't find a way to pin the missing statement of charges on me. "Well, you know, bud, Dawn could have sneaked down to Caroline County, broken into the jail, and stolen it, just to make me look bad.")

On a lighter note, I got five pages done yesterday on my new chapter! And this was while running ten new warrants, when CJIS (the database) went down right in the middle of it, thus ruining the nice rhythm I had going. I knew Tyelkormo would come through for me; if I keep going at this pace, I will be finished the chapter by tomorrow, which is absolutely freaking wonderful!

Well, I've written more than I anticipated. It just goes to prove that sometimes no news is the most newsworthy. I should be back later today (barring a catastrophe) for the Week in News, so today should be a lot of fun, full of writing.
Until then, namarië,
Medium Dawn Felagund of the Fountain

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The Week in News--29 March 2005

Last week was a week for one big news story: the Terry Schiavo case. This week, Terri is forced to rankle with a plethora of other noteworthy stories for headline dominance. (Anyone want to bet that--were she able to sigh with relief--Ms. Schiavo would be doing so right now?)

Asian Earthquake, Part II
Perhaps the tendency of film studios to jump on the bandwagon of any horror movie that makes moola by promptly ordering ten sequels is more based in reality than I originally thought. Most of the fun in such sequels is seeing what harebrained scheme the writers will use to justify re-animating a long-dead killer. Unfortunately, a not-so-long-dead killer experienced its glorious resurrection this week, when southeast Asia was struck by a massive earthquake on Monday.

This time, the earthquake was a paltry 8.7 on the Richter Scale (versus the 9.0 of the December 26 quake that made it the 4th most deadly since 1900), and although the fear was present, it fortunately triggered no tsunamis this time. Nonetheless, the island of Nias, Indonesia was devastated by the temblor, destroying about 30% of the buildings in the island's largest city of Gunung Sitoli.


The devastation of Monday's earthquake on Gunung Sitoli. Photo courtesy MSNBC News.

Alarms were raised in the coastal towns, warning of a possible tsunami. Citizens fled in multitudes to higher ground but, fortunately, no waves materialized. Monday's quake occurred three months to the day following the December 26 earthquake and tsunami and is technically considered an aftershock. Seismologists predicted only two weeks ago that the region would likely be struck by further earthquake activity in the months to come; unfortunately, Monday's quake does little to lessen the likelihood that even more earthquakes may follow.


Map of Monday's earthquake activity in comparison with the December 26 quake. Picture courtesy MSNBC News.

As to why this quake didn't produce a tsunami, seismologists are currently of the opinion that the movement of the tectonic plates in comparison with the coastline moved the water away from the coastline. Furthermore, because the Richter Scale is logarithmic, the earthquake was only about half the strength of the December 26 disaster.

I would like to credit my sources for this summary. MSNBC News provides an excellent summary. (This is also the origin for the pictures I used.) Additionally, the information on seismology also came from a decent science article on the MSNBC site.

Just Another School Shooting
To evidence how commonplace school shootings have become, I actually had to do a search to find an article about this happening. Now, I do not check the news sites every day, but I check them with some frequency and--anticipating that I would want to make note of this tragedy in my "Week in News"--paid particular mind to learning something about it in the last week. Alas, nothing. It seems the collective attention has slipped right from Terri Schiavo to the recent earthquake in Indonesia. (Although Ms. Schiavo is still dominating more articles than even the earthquake, which probably would have only earned a dutiful mention but for the December 26 tragedy. Will the controversy die with her? Likely not.)

I do not want to dwell on the violent details of this case because I want to remember less the act then the controversy such happenings always inspire. (Although we're all too worried right now about poor, brain-dead Ms. Schiavo to give a crap about the schoolkids.) Basically, a sixteen-year-old kid on a Minnesota Native American reservation went on a rampage at his high school, killing ten, the most since the Columbine fiasco my senior year.

I held my breath, expecting the normal onslaught of excuses from opportunistic activists but haven't heard too much. Naturally, we all know that music, movies, and video games are to blame. That filth! Next, of course, are the teachers and administrators in the schools, who should be doing a better job of monitoring the kids for signs of potential misbehavior.


This cartoon is courtesy of Clay Bennett and may be found at Daryl Cagle's Professional Cartoonists' Index

This case was unique because the boy was being raised by his grandparents after his father killed himself and his mother was committed to a nursing home following an accident. Nonetheless, he was known to frequent neo-Nazi websites, and one has to ask, where was the supervision? School officials and people producing entertainment for adult audiences are expected to be parents to all these kids; the parents' fingers are quick to point in their direction when they should be doing a little turn of the wrist and pointing right back at themselves.


This cartoon is courtesy of Mike Thompson and may be found at Daryl Cagle's Professional Cartoonists' Index


I once considered becoming a teacher, through Teach for America, seeking to make the elusive Difference. Fortunately, my application was rejected, likely because my psychology major did not meet the certification criteria. (Or so I hope, given my stellar academic and employment backgrounds, although my interviewer was a straight-up b*tch.) It was serendipitous, perhaps, that I was declined. My cousin graduated when I did with her degree in elementary education, and what she describes--working in a rather affluent school--does not make the job worth the peanuts it pays, even to make that proverbial Difference. One of her best friends teaches in a city school--where I would have taught, possibly, had a been accepted by Teach for America--and was beaten up by a student, only to have the administration fail to give her support! Yet, much of the chatter when crises such as the Minnesota shooting happen is that teachers should be more attentive. Teachers are not psychologists, folks, nor are they babysitters. Parents and guardians are the only ones who need to learn to do their damned jobs.

And then, of course there is the gun lobby. In the aftermath of the Minnesota shooting, what did the NRA suggest? That teachers should be allowed to bring guns into schools. Yes, that is a brilliant solution. Now, the kids can get the guns at home, and they can also get guns at school. (Read the article here.)


This cartoon is courtesy of Nick Anderson and may be found at Daryl Cagle's Professional Cartoonists' Index

Believe it or not, despite my liberal leanings, I do not support abolishing the Second Amendment. Our Constitution, I think, is like a marriage: You love some of it, but then some of it irritates the hell out of you. Yet, unless you plan on divorcing it all, you have to take the good with the bad. Right now, given the leadership of this country, imagining the Constitution in their less-than-capable hands should a revisionist policy be adopted, gives me nightmares. However, I do support gun control. No one needs an AK-47 for personal protection or deer-hunting season. We don't need to be giving guns to criminals just so some hick can avoid the trouble of a background check when he buys a rifle for turkey-shooting. Personally, I think that firearms for personal protection are a mark of paranoia and hunting is inhumane, but my opinions are my own, and people are entitled to disagree.

The Story That Just Won't Die
I would be remiss if my news page didn't include mention of the biggest story of the past few weeks. Ms. Schiavo's parents have exhausted their appeals all the way up to the U.S. Supreme Court, who thankfully declined to even hear the case. It is now only a matter of time.

Because of my interest in the religious angle of this case, I have continued reading articles when I find them. In the course of my readings, I found what I feel is the best counterargument to people like me. Why? Because it does not once mention religion and--although I take issue with some of the claims, which have the resonance of activist rhetoric stemming more from emotion than fact--its arguments are quite coherent and clear. Harriet McBryde Johnson is a disability rights attorney, and her article "Not Dead at All" is enough to give pause but not enough to completely convince me. Still, I thank Ms. Johnson because, unlike her politically-motivated, Bible-beating counterparts, her heart actually is in the right place.

On a tangential note, a case like this always drags up the dirty pasts of the people spearheading the crusade, in this case Tom DeLay and our own Commander in Chief George W. Bush. It turns out that Congressman DeLay helped to gain his mother the right to have the plug pulled on his father, who was in a vegetative state without hope of recovery and also did not leave a living will. William Saletan calls our attention to his hypocrisy in "Deathbed Conversion."

Also, from my favorite cartoonist Scott Bateman comes a cartoon in the tune of his usual fare, blindly simple, not a bit funny, but sardonic enough that even I wish I'd thought to give poor "W" a steel codpiece before reading it.


This cartoon is courtesy of Scott Bateman and may be found at Daryl Cagle's Professional Cartoonists' Index

Okay, not really.

The Requisite MJ Update
I would have forgotten about Michael Jackson after last week's summary except for the fact that Slate magazine ran a weeklong diary of the trial by writer Seth Stevenson. "Dispatches from the Michael Jackson Trial" is one of the funniest such diaries this magazine has printed, yet it remains insightful into the media feeding frenzy that is the Michael Jackson trial and Mr. Stevenson, thankfully, does not take himself too seriously. I must confess: I laughed. Uproariously.

It was determined yesterday that MJ's past accusations will be allowed to be heard at trial, which does not bode well for the King of Pop. It looks like soon he might be on the receiving end of some molestation by a large California gangsta named Teeth (or something similarly imposing).

Oh God, They're Breeding!
This was my first thought when the three or four fruit flies in Bobby's and my apartment turned into one hundred a week later. "Do you think they're mating in the drains?" I asked Bobby, aiming a can of bug spray at the swarming little beasts. Not shockingly, this was also my first thought when I heard that Britney Spears might be pregnant. Now, I am agnostic, but I must admit to falling on my knees on my office floor and praying, "Please, God, no!"

Okay, not really, but it is a thought I don't like to ponder. Perhaps, if the father was an MIT-grad or a successful silicon valley entrepreneur (and Britney's boobs don't count for that), then the poor kid might have a chance. But Kevin Federline? No, I'm not cold, I'm just shuddering.

Of course, I'm sure this is a happy event for her. After all, having a baby is "next to God," according to the pop-star. Yes, I'm sure if God exists, then he gave us wonderful bodies and minds with the intent that the best thing we ever do with them is engage in mindless reproduction to overpopulate the earth with stupider versions of ourselves. No, helping others isn't next to God, nor is putting our lives at risk to save the life of a stranger. Screw you, Ben Carson and 9/11 firefighters: You're men! You'll never be next to God! Getting "next to God" just involves spreading your legs and squeezing out a seven-pound maggot. Wow, I had no idea it was so easy! I guess my choice, then, to preserve the earth for the humans that live on it now rather than give it one more greedy mouth and two more grubby hands, grabbing for more than they give back, means I'll never be next to God. Of course, one could also argue that the Christian idea of heaven means that death also puts one next to God, yet I don't hear anyone advocating suicide for the pious. (Except for terrorists, of course, but I don't even count them as fully human.)

Bear in mind, this is just an unfounded rumor. However, given Brit's chortling about the joys of motherhood, I expect that the real deal will come at any time. What a wonderful role model!

Naturally, I mean no offense to mothers. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for a mother, and I think it's fine pursuit, if one is so inclined. But my sourness towards Britney is exceeded only slightly by my sourness to people like her, who look at me askance for my choice to remain child-free and expect that just because I woman has the equipment to reproduce, she should. Consider the part of her quote that preceded the "next to God" statement: "I've had a career since I was 16, have traveled around the world and back and even kissed Madonna! The only thing I haven't done so far is experience the closest thing to God and that's having a baby. I can't wait!" Yes, Brit, be sure to check that last item off your list, along with the millions of other people who have babies because it's the "thing to do."

Having become sufficiently angry and offensive for the week (and also my workday is nearly over), I will now leave you,
Medium Dawn Felagund of the Fountain

The Week in News--5 April 2005
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