Oh, Dawn, this is a fabulous chapter! There was nothing wrong with the previous one either, but now I can see how the two fit together to make the whole, and when it has been revised it will be wonderful. There are many, many things I love about this chapter, but I will just mention a few. Your descriptions of Alqualondë and the Telerin people are delightful and my stomach lurched on quite a few occasions when I felt as if I had been transported there. One of the ways that you accomplish this so well is in your descriptions of the their food. I think the image of Macalaurë and Vingarië sitting eating salmon wraps by the fountain will stay with me forever.
One of my favourite parts was this:
I bite my lip—suppressing my giggles—and fall silent. I bow carefully. “Lord Lantanén,” I say, “as you might know, I have affections for your daughter.” “Affections? No, I do not know this.” He contemplates me and shudders. “Hopefully, you are not like your brother in expressing them.”
“Oh, no, no….”
This was wonderful! Lord Lantanén is quite the master of subtlety! I am sure he would make a great father-in-law.
I love Vingarië's brothers too! They are hilarious!
And I love this part:
I make myself walk the path to the front door. I concentrate on the colors of the flagstones beneath my feet and force myself to step only on the blue-gray ones. That makes it so that I am less aware of the door coming towards me until I am in front of it, watching my fist rise and rap on the door.
I've walked like that myself to keep my mind off of something. This is a great example of the realism that you have brought to this story! But OMG, this is the best part of all!
“You do realize, Macalaurë,” she says, as we snack on berries, “that we will have to bond.”
I pause for a moment, my mouth open, and a berry falls from my lips and into the fountain. Realizing her words, she flushes an alarming scarlet. “I did not mean it like that. Of course you know that; that is how children are made. But rather that….” She stops and hides her face in her hands.
“Rather what, Vingarië?” I say.
She says something behind her hands that I cannot comprehend.
“Vingarië, I cannot—”
She says it again, louder. “It is just that I have always been afraid. Of bonding. That it might hurt.” She takes away her hands and looks me in the face, to appraise my reaction.
“I will be gentle,” I say, and now we both blush and turn away from each other.
You have captured that spark, that essence, of two young lovers absorbed completely in each other so well! Honestly, I had a tear in my eye as I read it and remembered - yes, remembered! - just how it was way, way, back when I was in the same situation. My Gods, girl, you have a masterpiece here.
Of course, the scenes between Macalaurë and Nelyo are also wonderful. They are very moving in their affection for each other. The stuff you need to revise is only technical. It has certainly not affected how you have been able to move your readers emotionally.
no subject
One of my favourite parts was this:
I bite my lip—suppressing my giggles—and fall silent. I bow carefully. “Lord Lantanén,” I say, “as you might know, I have affections for your daughter.”
“Affections? No, I do not know this.” He contemplates me and shudders. “Hopefully, you are not like your brother in expressing them.”
“Oh, no, no….”
This was wonderful! Lord Lantanén is quite the master of subtlety! I am sure he would make a great father-in-law.
I love Vingarië's brothers too! They are hilarious!
And I love this part:
I make myself walk the path to the front door. I concentrate on the colors of the flagstones beneath my feet and force myself to step only on the blue-gray ones. That makes it so that I am less aware of the door coming towards me until I am in front of it, watching my fist rise and rap on the door.
I've walked like that myself to keep my mind off of something. This is a great example of the realism that you have brought to this story! But OMG, this is the best part of all!
“You do realize, Macalaurë,” she says, as we snack on berries, “that we will have to bond.”
I pause for a moment, my mouth open, and a berry falls from my lips and into the fountain. Realizing her words, she flushes an alarming scarlet. “I did not mean it like that. Of course you know that; that is how children are made. But rather that….” She stops and hides her face in her hands.
“Rather what, Vingarië?” I say.
She says something behind her hands that I cannot comprehend.
“Vingarië, I cannot—”
She says it again, louder. “It is just that I have always been afraid. Of bonding. That it might hurt.” She takes away her hands and looks me in the face, to appraise my reaction.
“I will be gentle,” I say, and now we both blush and turn away from each other.
You have captured that spark, that essence, of two young lovers absorbed completely in each other so well! Honestly, I had a tear in my eye as I read it and remembered - yes, remembered! - just how it was way, way, back when I was in the same situation. My Gods, girl, you have a masterpiece here.
Of course, the scenes between Macalaurë and Nelyo are also wonderful. They are very moving in their affection for each other. The stuff you need to revise is only technical. It has certainly not affected how you have been able to move your readers emotionally.