I second Jenni when saying that this chapter is wonderful and it does not need too much revision. In fact, it's great just the way it is and it would be a shame if you change it too much. The "feel" of Alqualonde is back along with all those little details that distinguish your writing and give it such a strong sense of reality. I was drawn right in, form the first to the last paragraph.
Of course, the creepy sense of foreboding has reared its head in the chapter, too. Like here:
Who says we have until the world’s ending?
here:
And then I think, with alarm: Will Amil and Atar live that way one day? Will I go to Amil and she will inquire after Atar like one asks after an old and oft-forgotten friend?
and here:
It seems that I belong nowhere. Perhaps I should wander, as do the great bards of lore, with nothing but my harp and the clothes upon my body, singing hymns to the sea.
This paragraph is scary... o_O!
Once, I’d seen Nelyo in the square as I sat with Vingarië, eating my midday meal. The streets had been crowded, but if my brother is easily spotted in Tirion, then he is impossible to miss in Alqualondë. He’d stood a head taller than the tallest of the Teleri swarming around him, and his hair had blazed like fire in the midday brilliance.
Simply beautiful... I could just see him towering above the sea of silver Telerin heads. :)
I think that Eru has given Atar only sons because he feels sorry for the eventual husbands of his daughters.
Lol! Priceless... And spot on. Just think of the horror a potential suitor would be plagued by if Feany would have had a daughter AND his seven sons. I think she'd have stayed unmarried, because nobody would have had the gall to face all eight of them.
Aww... The interaction between the brothers was sweet and wonderful, as it always is. The way you've pictured them together is very inspiring for me. (in both G and NC-17 ways, because a perv always remains one!) Excellent job, I loved every bit of it.
no subject
Of course, the creepy sense of foreboding has reared its head in the chapter, too. Like here:
Who says we have until the world’s ending?
here:
And then I think, with alarm: Will Amil and Atar live that way one day? Will I go to Amil and she will inquire after Atar like one asks after an old and oft-forgotten friend?
and here:
It seems that I belong nowhere. Perhaps I should wander, as do the great bards of lore, with nothing but my harp and the clothes upon my body, singing hymns to the sea.
This paragraph is scary... o_O!
Once, I’d seen Nelyo in the square as I sat with Vingarië, eating my midday meal. The streets had been crowded, but if my brother is easily spotted in Tirion, then he is impossible to miss in Alqualondë. He’d stood a head taller than the tallest of the Teleri swarming around him, and his hair had blazed like fire in the midday brilliance.
Simply beautiful... I could just see him towering above the sea of silver Telerin heads. :)
I think that Eru has given Atar only sons because he feels sorry for the eventual husbands of his daughters.
Lol! Priceless... And spot on. Just think of the horror a potential suitor would be plagued by if Feany would have had a daughter AND his seven sons. I think she'd have stayed unmarried, because nobody would have had the gall to face all eight of them.
Aww... The interaction between the brothers was sweet and wonderful, as it always is. The way you've pictured them together is very inspiring for me. (in both G and NC-17 ways, because a perv always remains one!) Excellent job, I loved every bit of it.