I like the first part with the introduction of the idea of "dead", "foreverdead" and "unbegotten" very much. The only criticism I have is that I don't think his brother would be so non-chalant about explaining death to Carnistir. After all, he was born in Aman, too. And although I personally *think* that elves might have died on the journey to Aman, in Aman it was only Míriel who died until the first kinslaying - and there were no men yet for whom death was natural. Therefore I think the idea of death would be much for foreign to them and in conncetion with Míriel much more frightening and exotic. Or maybe even more exotic & fascinating even than frightening. Even if they are related to Míriel, I think that it would be a long way for little boys to associate the idea of death with their own persons.
Ilúvatar in Ea
Eä is the world, the universe;
Eru Ilúvatar is not in Eä the way we say "God in Heaven" when we cuss. Eru made Eä. His "home" if you will, are the "Timeless Halls" beyond Eä. I really think you should change that...
(...)the wholly irrational though came upon me (...)
I think there's a "t" missing there? "Thought", not "though"?
It sounds like he is speaking another language, and languages other than my native Noldorin never make much sense to me.
This bugged me already in an earlier chapter.
I don't think that you can really consider what was spoken in Aman different languages. I think that it would be more linguistically correct to call them "dialects". As far as I know there were three dialects spoken in Aman that had evolved from Common Eldarin (the common Elvish language spoken during the journey), Quendya/Vanyarin and Quenya/Noldorin and Lindarin/Telerin, the dialect of the Teleri , on Tol Eresseä. Of the three only Lindarin/Telerin turned into what might be considered an independent language, but if that was already the case during the childhood of Fëanor's sons I can't say (I think however that it might have changed into an independent language only under the influence of Sindarin speaking Teleri arriving in Tol Eressä later on; but I am not sure as I am by no means an expert on Elvish linguistics). However, I am pretty sure that Fëanor's children had no way to learn of the languages of Middle-earth. Therefore I don't think you can use "languages" as a plural in that context. I think even a reference to "Telerin" would be more about a dialect that has become difficult to understand...
Through slits of eyes, I see Turko on grandfather Finwë's lap opposite us. His shoulders sag; his eyelids droop, snap open, and droop again.
So you think that at least Elvish children sleep with their eyes closed? It might be a good idea to explain that bit, since in LOTR (adult) Elves seem to sleep only with their eyes open.
He does not like to waste the gifts Arda has given us, he says.
I think it is not correct to use "Arda" in that context. The Elves don't seem to hold the world in the sense of "mother earth" in reference, which I guess is the image you refer to. I don't think they would view "Arda" as the source of their food. After all, the Elves knew beyond any doubt that Eru had created Eä and Arda.
My suggestion would be to say something like "he does not like to waste the bounties sparked by Eru's Flame"; if you really, really want to have the word "Arda" in it, you could say "sparked forth by Eru's Flame from Arda's womb" or something like that.
"You'll sit here until you eat it," he threatens.
Uh. I am not sure about that, I have to admit. That's such an old-fashioned and very human attitude... :-(
--> after "Can I have gravy" is a leftover from formatting: ",/i>"
Somehow I cannot believe that Elves are bad cooks, with venison tasting like "old yarn". Venison is so yummy!!!
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-18 11:02 am (UTC)I like the first part with the introduction of the idea of "dead", "foreverdead" and "unbegotten" very much. The only criticism I have is that I don't think his brother would be so non-chalant about explaining death to Carnistir. After all, he was born in Aman, too. And although I personally *think* that elves might have died on the journey to Aman, in Aman it was only Míriel who died until the first kinslaying - and there were no men yet for whom death was natural. Therefore I think the idea of death would be much for foreign to them and in conncetion with Míriel much more frightening and exotic. Or maybe even more exotic & fascinating even than frightening. Even if they are related to Míriel, I think that it would be a long way for little boys to associate the idea of death with their own persons.
Eä is the world, the universe;
Eru Ilúvatar is not in Eä the way we say "God in Heaven" when we cuss. Eru made Eä. His "home" if you will, are the "Timeless Halls" beyond Eä. I really think you should change that...
I think there's a "t" missing there? "Thought", not "though"?
This bugged me already in an earlier chapter.
I don't think that you can really consider what was spoken in Aman different languages. I think that it would be more linguistically correct to call them "dialects". As far as I know there were three dialects spoken in Aman that had evolved from Common Eldarin (the common Elvish language spoken during the journey), Quendya/Vanyarin and Quenya/Noldorin and Lindarin/Telerin, the dialect of the Teleri , on Tol Eresseä. Of the three only Lindarin/Telerin turned into what might be considered an independent language, but if that was already the case during the childhood of Fëanor's sons I can't say (I think however that it might have changed into an independent language only under the influence of Sindarin speaking Teleri arriving in Tol Eressä later on; but I am not sure as I am by no means an expert on Elvish linguistics). However, I am pretty sure that Fëanor's children had no way to learn of the languages of Middle-earth.
Therefore I don't think you can use "languages" as a plural in that context. I think even a reference to "Telerin" would be more about a dialect that has become difficult to understand...
So you think that at least Elvish children sleep with their eyes closed? It might be a good idea to explain that bit, since in LOTR (adult) Elves seem to sleep only with their eyes open.
I think it is not correct to use "Arda" in that context. The Elves don't seem to hold the world in the sense of "mother earth" in reference, which I guess is the image you refer to. I don't think they would view "Arda" as the source of their food. After all, the Elves knew beyond any doubt that Eru had created Eä and Arda.
My suggestion would be to say something like "he does not like to waste the bounties sparked by Eru's Flame"; if you really, really want to have the word "Arda" in it, you could say "sparked forth by Eru's Flame from Arda's womb" or something like that.
Uh. I am not sure about that, I have to admit. That's such an old-fashioned and very human attitude... :-(
--> after "Can I have gravy" is a leftover from formatting: ",/i>"
Somehow I cannot believe that Elves are bad cooks, with venison tasting like "old yarn". Venison is so yummy!!!