I Just Had a Scare! (and lots of movie reviews)

[dawn_felagund]

About a half-hour ago, I had a scare. Now before you think that I almost got run over or a convict escaped from the prison behind the office, it's nothing serious. It probably wouldn't even be scary to a non-geek like me. But I went to post a comment in my RPG themidhavens and...nothing. At first I thought it might be an LJ problem, but then I tried opening the VINELink Search for Offender page and...::crickets:: nothing. Two weeks ago, my Internet at work went caput and just about went mad from boredom. The thought of that happening again scared me so much that I actually did some work to keep myself from thinking about it.

But, as you can see, my Internet is fine because I am writing this from work. (And all my work is done too...so no enterprising individuals need to write to the governor of Maryland about how he has some geek in P&P who just sits around and writes stories and LJ entries all day. He's an @$$h0!e anyway and probably wouldn't even listen.)

It occured to me that I haven't been getting much creative work done at home because Bobby and I have been watching *a lot* of movies. We are both huge movie fans, but quite a spell went by where--if it wasn't something nerdy that we had to see because we were going to see it with our friends--then we weren't watching anything at all.


So within the last week or so, we have watched six movies. When we were younger, Bobby and I used to see 'most anything that came into the theaters. Now? Harhar! We hardly see anything at all in the theaters. You can only see the same movie a dozen times--recast with different people, of course, and with the explosions done in slightly different places--before it starts to get dull. Bobby is more content watching these kinds of movies, but I have taken to ripping them apart. And I think I am rubbing off on him because he usually remarks on shallow characterization, at least. I am not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but *my* writing is better than some of the stuff that is passed off onscreen as legitimate plots and characters.

Bobby and I have two movie weakness:
-The Somewhat Respectable Weakness: Foreign and independent films. We cruise our Hollywood Video looking for the little film festival symbols indicating that something has been honored or shown at a foreign/independent festival. It is more a leap of faith than something that has a glossy trailer and shows on the big screen, but when you strike gold, it is gold and not just something that will numb your brain for two hours.
-Dumb Horror Movies. The dumber the better. If it is like the 19th sequel, it is probably dumb enough for us. We like to sit and make fun of them. I usually yell--yes, really yell at the screen--when the characters do dumb things. Like wave a gun at the bad guy and not pull the trigger, allowing the bad guy to reach right over and take the gun. Please. If you're going to be a pansy and use a gun (versus being a bad-ass and using a sword or a knife), then at least have the balls to pull the trigger. As an example: Our favorite so far is a double-feature DVD with two films, one called Death Bed and the other called Castle Freak. The fact that we got two movies for the price of one made our Polish ancestors smile. And Castle Freak remains something of lore in the house of Dawn and Bobby.

So my six movies include two that you have probably heard of, two that are somewhat respectable, and two that are really dumb horror movies. Normally, I do movie reviews every week. I've been slacking, so I'm doing a whole bunch of quickies all at once.

Thirteen Seconds
Rating: One-quarter E.L. Fudge "Elves Exist" cookies out of four...and I licked the fudge out first
Before I begin: Do not see this movie. Do not. It is bad for your soul. Your brain cells will implode a little with each passing minute. It should come with a Surgeon General's warning. Repeat: Do not watch it.

Bobby and I always have a lengthy to-do list for movie watching. We were cruising Hollywood Video and adding items to our list, when I found this little...ahem, thing. It was a horror movie *and* it had been honored at independent film festivals. It had even won things. What they probably didn't tell you was that it won "The Worst Movie *Ever* Award." Needless to say, since it met both of our criteria for movie-watching happiness, we rented it.

One thousand brain cells later, I must say that it is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. And I have seen lots. Lots. The acting was...well, suffice to say that *I* could do better. I don't feel able to comment on people's acting since I myself am so bad at it that I had to move my RPG to online format to avoid having to pretend to be characters. And I could overlook the bad acting--it's an independent film, right? low budget?--but the storyline wasn't even original. And the characters were stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Stay-in-the-haunted-house-instead-of-hauling-ass-down-the-road stupid!

Conclusion: Do not watch it. Just don't.

Team America: World Police
Rating: Three-and-a-half E.L. Fudge "Elves Exist" cookies out of four
Three words: America! Fuck yeah!

Bobby and I actually saw this in the theater when it came out. When the fighter jets flew out of the Mount Rushmore "base" and that song kicked in--"America! Fuck yeah!"--I think I peed in the seat a little from laughing. (I told this to one of my RPG players and he said, "Really?" No, not really!)

It is the most godawful, inappropriate, merciless, and evil humor...and I love it! The new saying between my husband, our best pal Harry Potter, and I is "Durka durka. Muhammed. Jihad." If you've ever seen the movie, you will know what I mean. Oh, and there is a rather long puppet sex scene. Interesting....

If I could see any movie made into a musical (besides LotR, which already has been), then it would be this one. The songs are priceless. And it makes fun of everything. Liberals, conservatives, the military, the entertainment industry...no one is spared. And if you never thought a speech that centers around the concept that "dicks fuck pussies and assholes" (wow, a record four naughty words out of five!) could be both inspiring and slightly moving, then you need to see this movie.

Stratosphere Girl
Rating: Three-and-a-half E.L. Fudge "Elves Exist" cookies out of four
This is one of our goofy film festival movies. We leaped on this one and landed on soft ground, though, luckily. This is a good movie. It has decent characters and a storyline that kept me intrigued until the last frame. (I won't spoil the ending, though!) It is also beautiful in parts, blending animated drawing with film in such a way that it is not overt and cheesy. Picture Aha's "Take on Me" music video without the '80s ham. At one point, the main character (who is a cartoonist, hence the animation) draws a thick pencil line down a page and it opens into two white doors...it is hard to explain, but suffice to say that I said, "Cool!" pretty loudly.

The story centers on a German runaway who dreams of being an artist...and lands a job as a "hostess" in a gentleman's club in Tokyo. When she discovers that one of the previous hostesses went missing after a foray at a private party held by one of the club's frequent--and wealthiest--patrons, she begins to draw her way to solving the mystery.

Alien Abduction
Rating: One-and-a-half E.L. Fudge "Elves Exist" cookies out of four
Bobby has a shameless love of anything related to aliens. This is a typical evening at our house: Bobby lays down on the couch, switches on the "On Demand," and begins to scour the listings for alien shows. Bobby locates said alien show and begins watching it. Bobby watches two minutes of said alien show, throws down the remote control, and says, "Dammit! I saw this one already!"

So Alien Abduction was a natural choice for him. It was not a major movie, and so I thought it had an inkling of promise...a unique take on things, possibly. And it did. Talking about the movie afterwards, I told Bobby that, if anything, I had to give the filmmakers credit in that department. (Again, though, I won't spoil the ending. Trust that it is interesting though.) That is what kept it from getting only Elf cookie crumbs, like Thirteen Seconds.

The problem was that the story was presented in a rather...erm...over the top fashion. It was gratuitous, to say the least. I have a bona fide blood phobia but can make it through most movies without a problem. This one was gross. Like skull-drilling, face-exploding gross. And there was this army major with a British accent (?) who marched around in a mini-skirt and knee-high black boots...rather BDSM, if you ask me.

Some of the characters were annoying beyond empathy. There was this one blond girl who, after only two minutes of the movie, we all agreed should die first.

She makes it 'til the end. Rats.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Rating: Two E.L. Fudge "Elves Exist" cookies out of four
Let me start by saying that I like Will Ferrell. During his stint on SNL, you would often find me rolling on the floor with laughter. Just looking at the man makes me laugh. But this movie just didn't do it for me.

It was one of those movies that makes fun of something by presenting the truth in a glaring fashion in such a way that it must be funny. Kind of like Team America. Kind of like Monty Python and the Holy Grail. But this...this just didn't do it for me.

Maybe because I did not live through the '70s and am certainly not a newscaster (I can't even stand to watch the news), the jokes felt flat to me. Some of the characters had funny quirks, but they weren't necessarily exploited in the funniest manner.

There are some movies which I hate while I watch them the first time. I hated The Holy Grail while I was watching it but couldn't get it out of my head afterwards and watch it religiously now every few months. I kept waiting for the humor of Anchorman to hit me, and it still hasn't.

By the way, my RPG group--including my husband--would heartily disagree with this rating. So obviously, it is funny to *someone.* Maybe you're that person. But it doesn't get my vote.

City of God
Rating: Three-and-three-quarters E.L. Fudge "Elves Exist" cookies out of four
City of God is a Brazilian film about a slum outside Rio de Janeiro where the poor are sent to keep the city pretty, refined, and tourist-friendly: the City of God. It follows a boy, "Rocket," who wishes to be a photographer. On the way, we are introduced to the whole cast of players in the City of God, from the low-liers to the gang leaders who run the city.

Normally, I don't like movies with five billion characters. They are hard to keep straight and, sharing the spotlight with 4.9 billion other characters, rarely get the characterization they deserve. Or they are Characters from a Can™, which is even worse. But the characters in City of God are surprisingly rich for their limited screen time, and I found myself empathizing with the worst of them. These are murderers, thieves, drug dealers...but if you want a portrait of how easy it is for someone to fall into this kind of life in some places in the world, watch this movie.

It is disturbing too, in an eye-opening way. In college, my focus in clinical psychology was to study post-traumatic stress disorder in childhood victims of political violence, a field that burgeoned after 9/11 brought it home. One of the sub-parts of this already specialized field is the study of "child soldiers," those children who get forced or connived into militias and gangs. In City of God, one of the gangs is a child gang, and they are treated with no more mercy than if they were adults. I shiver to remember.



Friends, do you have any movie recommendations to make? I am always looking for new things to add to my "must watch" list, so tell me your favorites. My favorites (if you were wondering):
1) The LotR trilogy. Of course. Despite its failings, this movie is what made me fall in love with Tolkien's world, and parts of it still give me goosebumps. I watched Fellowship open-mouthed (and may have swallowed a few flies--and didn't even notice!)
2) Hotel Rwanda. I saw this in the theater, and it was only showing in one place in our area. It is a stunning movie. It is one of the few movies that have the power to make me cry. In many places. Don Cheadle is spectacular; I wish he hadn't been up against Jamie Foxx so that he could have gotten the Oscar he deserved for this role.
3) Forrest Gump. I have watched this movie probably twenty times. I can quote almost the whole thing from memory. It still hasn't gotten old. It is the perfect blend of comedy, drama, romance, and real life, with characters I still wouldn't mind taking home.
4) Gattaca. The writer in me now sees the shortcomings of this movie. But I can't help but love it :) When I first saw it in a high school Biotechnology class (we had to have permission because Ethan Hawke's butt is in the movie!), I was awed by it. Even today, I think that Jerome (Jude Law) is one of the funniest and best characters ever. Needless to say, I hate the ending!